I must admit that I've never really been one to set resolutions for myself at the beginning of each year. It has always felt like I was setting myself up for failure. I think I heard somewhere that almost half of people who set New Year's resolutions break them within a week.
A WEEK!
Now, that is depressing. Why would I set out to disappoint myself? I do, however, believe in setting goals. I am the type of person who is both competitive (though, mostly with myself and not other people) and an immense slacker. I will procrastinate something I need to do forever...unless I have a deadline to meet. If I set myself a deadline, no matter how arbitrary, I will race to get everything done before that time comes.
Take my writing as an example. If I haven't written anything in a while, then I might set myself a goal of finishing a new story every two weeks. With the flash fictions, I have sat down and said, "You have two hours to get out a 500-word story." This has worked for me, probably because I hate to fail. I'm a perfectionist to my core. If I set out to do something, I do it, or else I feel like crap, the fear and loathing sets in...I'm sure all the other perfectionists out there know the feeling.
Last year, my goal was to finish my first novel. I right now have a completed draft. All it needs is some polishing; then, I hope to send it out by the end of January. Another goal I'm racing towards.
So, what is in store for 2011?
Sure, I've made my usual goals. Exercise is a perennial favorite of mine. I plan to run (jog?) my first 5K by May. I want to travel more. Prague should be in the cards for this summer.
And, of course, I want to write more. Last year, I tried to stick to a 1000-word goal for every day. This year, I want to aim for 1500-2000 a day. Sleep may not be on the "goal" list of 2011...
My most important goal is to make 2011 the year of being fearless.
I've spent so much time in my life being afraid. Afraid of failure. Afraid of what people might think of me. Afraid of what might happen if I do succeed. Sounds crazy I know, but last year I got a little taste of what it felt like to be fearless. Here's what I learned:
1. Fear will only stall you. I didn't write some things for fear of what people might think of me. I was afraid they would think I was weird or strange. That's a real danger when you write in the horror genre. You spill enough blood and guts on the page and people begin to look at you like you something may not be all okay with you. That happened to me. People have called me "sick" and "interesting" (said with a frightened, deer-in-the-headlights look in their eyes). Yes, some people may not like what I write, but that's okay. I've survived their criticisms, but for every person who thinks my writing is odd, there is a whole group of people who love what I write. If I worried about everyone who didn't like my fiction, then nothing would ever get written.
2. Failure is not an evil word. I almost trashed a short story that I had written. In a moment of self-doubt, I didn't want to send out a story that I feared people wouldn't "get." It was my first attempt at humor in the horror genre, and I was convinced that I wasn't a funny person. My husband convinced me it was a great story. I sucked it up and sent the story out. It was short-listed on its second time out! I am still waiting to hear if it will get published, but even if it doesn't, that is okay. People like the story, and I know that it will get picked up in one market or another.
3. Criticisms are meant to helpful, not hurtful. I used to worry if someone would say something negative about my work, so much so that I would shut down if they criticized my fiction. Now, I've learned to push down the feelings of inadequacy and really open my ears to what my readers are saying. Usually, they help me to make my writing better.
4. Writing is hard work. This was a big one for me to learn last year. I wanted anything I wrote to "flow easily" and to be perfect the first time. I was not prepared to work long hours at the computer, going over and over the same story until it was polished. I thought to be talented you had to be perfect the first time, but I've since learned that no one is. Writing is in the rewriting. Most first drafts are horrendous. That's why we revise and polish. That is also why we sometimes trash ideas completely when they don't work. It doesn't mean I am untalented nor a failure. It means I am a writer.
5. Instinct is a gift; listen to it! I actually stole this one from Felicia Day's blog (http://feliciaday.com/blog). She is someone I admire immensely. She basically said that improv acting taught her to listen to her gut instinct and not what others might say nor what "logic" might dictate. I realized as I read her words that I am guilty of listening more to that fear voice in my head (the one that says everyone will laugh or that I might fail) rather than listening to my gut, which is usually right. It might mean taking a leap of faith, even if I am scared, but the payoff will be worth it in the end.
So, no resolutions here. Just one goal: be fearless.
If I ever doubt myself, I just have to look at that novel I wrote that is sitting on my desk. Even if it never gets published, I did that. I ignored my fear voice and wrote a novel. My gut tells me I'll see it in a bookstore one day. Until then, I can only keep writing.
I hope all of you will keep writing too. Or painting. Or singing. Or playing the mandolin. Whatever it is that you want to do. Just remember to be fearless.
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